Think about the last time you were down, in a funk or feeling stressed. Did you want to be on your own or with someone else? What did that someone else do and was it helpful or not? Who has been your biggest supporter when you are having a hard time and why have you turned to them?
We are hard wired for human connection. Our brains have something called "mirror neurons" which help us understand and learn from observing other people's actions. They also help us connect with their emotions. We all have the power to help others through their emotional times.
So why do I so often hear a parent tell their child "don't cry' or if they fall "you're ok"? It is well-intentioned on the parent's part. They want to make it better for their child. A child's crying is designed to attract their parents attention, and so it does. The parent in turn wants to soothe, they want to stop the child crying but telling them to stop crying is not the way to do it.
Telling your child to stop crying is like you coming home from a stressful day at work, telling your partner about it and being told "don't stress" - not so helpful for most of us. Instead, most of us thrive on validation of our feelings, of being told "that's so hard", "that must have really hurt", "I know you're upset". Once someone else let's us know they understand our feelings, our feelings become 'contained', wrapped up for us and a little more manageable.
So next time you are tempted to tell you're child "you're alright" or "don't cry", think about what you would want if you were in the same situation. If you fell in the street, would you want others to tell you you were ok or would you want them to ask, to comfort, to check and go slow before helping you up. If you were crying would you want someone to tell you to stop or would you want them to hear about your upset?
Of course these things happen much more frequently with children, this can be challenging for parents and of course there will be times when a parent just wants to get to the shop and tells their child "you're ok" in the hope that they will get
up and happily keep walking. "Are you ok?" gives room for the child to say "no" or "pick me up", for the parent to validate their feelings and experience and in the bigger picture I believe this leads to children who are not afraid to feel their feelings and who are more likely to talk to their parents or others when they are going through hard times in the future.
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